|THE JOURNEY||Nov 8, ’06 8:53 PM
I know I have been walking for a very long time. I don’t know how long exactly, just long. What’s my purpose in doing so? I don’ know either. I just woke up one morning, I found myself walking, and I’m enjoying it. Why would I bother myself thinking when did I start anyway? It’s hard to remember something I don’t want to remember.
Just a reminder, I am also a human being. I used to rest if I feel tired. Wherever I go, I always feel proud of myself, especially when people are looking at me. No, the right term is stare, they were staring at me, but it feels good. I don’t know those people, but if I’m in a good mood, I’ll just smile at them while I continue my journey.
Yes, I am in a journey where the road I am taking is a straight one. Its not that there are no turns, it’s just that I’m afraid I’d get lost. Well, the reality is that I’m having a hard time remembering places. Well, to tell you the truth, almost everything. Yes, I don’t know where I am right now. Of course! I’m in a middle of my journey, how would I know? Well, you may say, I can see the road signs. Well, I’m not ashamed to confess, I don’t know how to read. But maybe, I knew before, before I started my journey. I don’t know my name; I don’t know who I am. There are lots of things in this world that I don’t know, and I don’t want to know right now.
I have so many experiences, but only few are stored in my brain. Most of the memories that I can remember are those that made me stronger physically and emotionally. Well, I always experience this kind of situation from time to time: Little children are following me. It’s just fine with me because they want to play with me. But there are times when I would run as fast as I can just to get away from them. I don’t know why at times they would run after me; they will shout at me, they will mock me. All I can do is to cry and shout. That’s why I’m always eager for the rain to come. So that when I cry, nobody will notice my tears. All I have to do is to dance in the rhythm of the rain. But it doesn’t happen at all times. Because whenever I pass to a place where angels live, I feel very much secured. Whenever I am hungry, or tired, I’ll just pass by at their place, because they are always offering and serving me a sumptuous meal. Whose insane person will not accept it? Well, I know I’m not yet in heaven but I know, those very good people are God’s angels, even though they don’t look like much of an angel. They are the ones who are always telling me to be brave and be strong. And so, I’m continuing my journey.
One day, a ten year old boy approached me. At the very sight of him, I was scared to death. I screamed and I ran. But he ran after me. I ran, as fast as I can, but suddenly, I stumbled. It hurts and I can’t stand. What I did was I closed my eyes and I closed my fist. I can hear his voice whispering. He’s whispering so many things that I can’t understand. For how may minutes we were in that situation. When I opened my eyes, he was still there, in front of me, looking straight into my eyes. And then I understood the last thing he said: “Mom, come back home”, and he held my hand.
Then I came to a place where all you can see aside from the trees are rectangles painted in white. I don’t know where that place was because I think that was my first time to be there. Maybe those rectangles are doors to heaven. Heaven is colored white, right? Well, it’s just that the doors were all closed. Maybe only selected angels were given the opportunities to go back to the real heaven. All the people whom I saw were all wearing white, including the boy who held my hand the last time. They were all crying, and sad to say, it’s not raining. They were crying over someone. I asked one of the angels, the one who was very much familiar to me, who was the person they were mourning for. Bitterly, she answered me, “My sister’s daughter, and the sibling of that poor boy”. When it was time for the angel’s turn to go to heaven through an open door, they wept all the more. I remember, I bid goodbye to her by saying, “Say hi to the other angels for us! Don’t be sad, ok? We will follow you eventually!” Two unfamiliar faces closed the door. Before we left the place, I saw the evil in my life. And then my world stopped turning. It’s as if all my memories have gone back. I can’t remove it from my mind. “I don’t love you anymore!” , “I have another girl downtown” , “Get out!” He was the only one who beat me repeatedly, he was my children’s father, he was my love, and he was gone. He’s the evil in my life. I left home because I can’t take what he’s been doing, and I thought he would come after me if he realizes that I’m gone. But he didn’t, so I started my journey. My world started moving again.
Now I see myself walking, again. I can’t remember anything. The road I am taking? I don’t know if it’s the same. If I’ll rest and I can’t seem to remember where I am, I’ll just ask the angels where I came from, and I’ll go back. And then I’ll continue my journey. I don’t care what others may think of me. But as for me, I know I’m the queen of the road. As for me, who’s been a victim of the world’s fairest mediocrity, I feel more blessed than those people in my community. Well, I’m not carrying a heavy load. A person like me can be at any place where I want to be and I can be the person who I want to be. Just a little help of my imagination, I can be the best that I can be. Crazy you may think I am, but who knows, maybe I am. I’m not just able to ponder it myself. Remember, I’m on a journey, and I don’t wan to remember anything…