What About Pain?

Good day!

This entry is about what happened to me last night.

Yesterday, I got tired and frustrated because my phone broke down again, a flex problem. I’ve spent almost 3 thousand pesos for my phone, and for the third time, its making me mad again. Another reason why I was in a bad mood was that I know, and i really felt that my bestfriend needs me. Having no phone would mean she will not be able to reach me… And true enough, she did try finding me, and she ended up being frustrated as well.

To be really tired, i took Xoy and Bj along with me at Robinson’s, spent my whole week allowance with them by playing and eating… Oh well, another frustration… We went home because my migraine is killing me already.

While trying to wash up, I had a mild heart attack… God knows how afraid I was. A sudden pain, sudden time of being not able to breath, and having the feeling of falling. I did fall. I drank my medications, all three of them. And then I got so sleepy. That was around 9pm.

I woke up at around 11pm being thankful that I’m still alive. I texted Vi saying that I’m fine already.

Again, we had our long talks through text messaging. How i missed that…

It was past 12 when I felt hungry and i wanted to eat. What made it worse was that the only food in the kitchen was the SISIG… and there’s no rice in the cooker!

I ate still… And maybe I was really stupid, i tried to drink wine, 100ml…
And i watched Sex and the City, and I was having a good time texting BFF.

It was when i decided to sleep when i felt that I was having a hard time breathing. My chest was congested. For an hour or so, I fought away the pressure, tried everything to remove it so that i could rest.

I ended up vomiting Hydrocloric Acid (expectedly), and phlegm… I knew right there and then that something is wrong. And I am still stubborn, I will not see a doctor. Not necessary I suppose…

For how many weeks now, I’ve been in my worst health condition having a heart problem and everything. And what relaxes is the thought that I am not alone. i will never be alone though…

Aside from God’s peace in my heart, it gives me a sense of peace whenever I’m talking with my bestfriend.

Lately, I’ve been battling with my own self, my own jealousy, my own fears and pain.

I have three promises that I gave to Vi.

1. i won’t be jealous anymore
2. I won’t be looking for her always
3. Hindi na ako mang-aaway

These things, I know I need to do everything to fulfill it.
Yes, I am having a hard time. but I know, i need to be in my best behavior, and i know she needs my understanding. I want to give her the best of me always, and by being selfish at times, i know I can’t give my best…

I want her to grow…to be matured… I want her to learn…to be strong…

And i want her to be prepared of the time that I won’t be around anymore.

I know i should not care if she will find another bestfriend, another “me” in her life. But I want to be assured of my own decision and choice, that I will never seek for another bestfriend. I only need one, I only want one. I have her already.
Might as well enjoy her and every moment with her…

I just hope i can do more…Give her more…

And I don’t wanna think of myself anymore…
I want to be reminded always that my role in her life is to be her number supporter, her biggest fan.

I know i can do it…

and I’m confessing it too that, “She was born to make me happy.” Hahahaha…

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I miss my mom. i want to be with her already.

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I’m planning on finding work abroad already. Oh Lord please provide me the finances that i will be needing. I want to go already. Please prepare me now…

I want to help a lot of people already… Financially…

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I have been dealing a lot of things lately, and it is inevitable that I will feel and experience pain. Yes, it hurts me much, physically, emotionally. And what I have wanting is just a hug. One hug and i know, i will be fine.

Pray unceasingly… Lord I want you with me…Amen.

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